Category Archives: Parenting
By Rev. Robert A. Crutchfield
Father’s day reminds me of many years ago when I attended a different church. The pastor there was the head of the jail ministry at the local county jail. He would tell us of how on Mother’s Day they would bring Mother’s Day cards so that the inmates who were so inclined could send a card to their mothers. Year after year no matter how many cards they brought there were never enough ! As Father’s Day approached they would bring Father’s Day cards to the jail for the same reason. Except in the case of Father’s Day cards they could literally not even give them away ! Almost every inmate wanted a Mother’s Day card to send to their mother, but rarely did an inmate see the need for wanted a Father’s Day card ! Mothers are getting the job done, but sadly we fathers too often are not.
Proverbs 20:7 tells us “The righteous live with integrity; happy are their children who come after them. “ Our modern world and our children need more Proverbs 20 fathers. I remember another time at that same church many years ago. We were in a mens bible study class and were discussing fatherhood. Out of the blue I said one of the smartest things that has ever come out of my mouth. I remarked to the class that parenthood was just a big game of monkey see, monkey do. Many of the men there were fathers of people I had gone to school with. We had quite a discussion about how their now grown children did things a certain way because they as fathers they had always done the same things the same way.
Our children desperately need our example. Our sons will treat their wives like we treat their mother. Our daughters’ expectations of how their husbands will treat them are framed by how we treat their mother. If we go to work, and provide for our family our children will seek the same thing. Our children want to be like us, and they are watching, and remembering more than we realize.
Our children need our time and affection. As fathers we are profoundly important people in their lives. If we lavish our affection on them they will feel special, and empowered. On the other hand if we are nothing but critical, they will come to believe they are worthless and may accomplish little in life. I once knew a single mother and her young daughter. They spent most of their time alone in their apartment. As a result this little girl rarely even saw a man. When she did it was as if you gave a starving man a banquet ! She craved a man’s presence and example even more than her mother did !
They don’t necessarily need a lot of our time either, but they need some of it. Back before I had children or grandchildren I had nephews. One day I was watching my oldest nephew playing on the floor over the top of my Sunday paper. “Uncle Robert ? “ he asked “ Will you play me checkers ?” I loved my nephew, but I had worked hard all week and I just wanted to read my paper and watch him play. But like any man should when you have a child in your world that you care about I though of what he needed not what I wanted. So I got down on the floor and we began to play. It wasn’t 10 minutes before he said “ Can we stop now ? “ and he went back to playing by himself, and I went back to my paper. He didn’t want to monopolize my time, he only needed a little bit of it but he needed it right then. The point here is we as fathers need to make our children a major priority in how we spend our time. We might be surprised at how little we end up giving up, and will likely underestimate the dividends small investments of our time will reap in our children’s lives
As we enjoy the presents, and being spoiled on Father’s Day, its the perfect opportunity to remind ourselves, and refocus ourselves on why this day exists. Father’s Day is not a celebration of who we are as individual men. It is a solemn observance of the profound role we play in the lives of the children we care about.
By Rev. Robert A. Crutchfield
There ‘s an old saying in computers, “Garbage in, Garbage out!” What that means is your result depends on what you put in and the quality of what you put in. In truth computers only mimic what we as people do. This is a prime example.
Many parents wonder what difference does it make if my child plays this video game ? What difference does it make if he watches a certain T.V. Show ? After all, all his friends do. In moderation I’m not sure it does make that much difference. The question to ask is are you getting the right output. In computers if you are not getting the right output or result the first thing you do is check the input.
In terms of our children, are they growing into the kind of people who want them to ? If not then we need to check their input or in other words the influences around them that are affecting who they are growing into.
Moderation is a key factor. Are they passing up quality time with the rest of the family to play those video games ? If so how are they going to learn to be husbands, fathers, wives and mothers ? Call of Duty 1-5 ? Are they falling asleep in church because they stayed up watching some show Saturday night ? How are they going to feed a faith that will see them through the many challenges of life ? How much of their day/week is spent on each activity ? Does this show the right mix of priorities ? Childhood is in many ways an apprenticeship. Living a successful, fulfilling life is a craft that must be learned. Parents are the masters, who must teach and mentor children to become what they should.
Even the best parents must be wary lest their children fall victim to the ever present influence of friends, pop culture etc. This is an ongoing challenge, not one that is met and then you move on.
If your children are not turning into the kind of people you expect examine closely what they are being influenced by on a daily basis. What are they studying in school ? What kind of friends do they have ? What video games do they play ? What TV shows do they watch ? What are THEIR goals ?
In spite of today’s busy, busy world, you also have to look at how much time you are spending with them. Even if its just minutes a day it can make a big difference. You also have to be careful not to be too heavy handed. Moderation is a key here too. In our thinking we have to take into consideration that our children are experimenting at who they are as individuals. Our goal is to guide this exploration not stifle it.
Each of us is a combination of everything we have seen, felt and experienced. It is up to us as parents to make sure our children end up with the right mix.
We all become aware of how fast time flies as we get older. At the same time we often wonder why children seem so impatient. The fact is the two things are related. It all boils down to the concepts of perception and perspective. Perception is the way we see something. Perspective has to do with using our knowledge and life experience to make sense of what our senses are telling us. Perception is of course reality at least to the one holding the perception. This holds true for that person even if the perception later turns out to be false.
Now lets look at how this applies to children, time, and patience. First of all we need to remember that time is only a figment of our mutual imaginations. Time was created thousands of years ago as part of man’s effort to understand the world around him. You cannot see time. You cannot taste time. You cannot even feel time. It has no existence in the natural world. Time exists only because it is a mutually accepted way of perceiving the motions of the Earth and other planets.
In fact to the smallest children time doesn’t exist ! They know nothing of lunch being at 12, only that they are hungry. They know nothing about bedtime being at 7 or 8 o’clock only that they are sleepy. Once children become old enough to grasp time as a way to understand their daily routine perception begins to come into play.
For instance a 24 year old parent is about 210,240 hours old. A two year old on the other hand is 17,520 hours old. The effect of this is that the two year old perceives an hour to be 12 times longer than the parent ! Know wonder kids raise such a fuss about waiting an hour for something ! Lets look at another example . You are a 35 year old parent, you tell your 13 year old you will do something next week. You are about 1820 weeks old. Your teen on the other hand is about 676 weeks old. So from your teen’s perspective the wait seems almost 3 times longer than it does for you. One more example, as adults we have to do many things every 30 days. A 22 year old parent is 8,030 days old, a 9 year old is 3,285 days old. So to the 9 year old each day is over twice as long as it is for the parent.
This also shows the value of perspective when dealing with such a situation. The key is to look at it from the child’s perspective. It also helps to bear in mind that the additional maturity you have gained over the years makes it easier for you to be patient. Your life experience has given you a perspective on the priorities of daily life that your teen simply cannot have yet. They have not yet been an adult fortunately you were once a teen !
This is were the leadership part of being a parent comes in. Any leader benefits by looking at things from the perspective of those they are trying to lead. Working with children cam be very much the same. It is not always easy. As adults in this modern world we often feel rushed. Our kids get impatient, we get frustrated, and everything gets harder for everybody than it needs to be. So when you feel yourself getting frustrated because your child is getting impatient, take a breath. Reconsider how the length of time involved looks to the child instead of how it looks to you. Remember what it was like when you were young.
Book Release: Seducers Among Our Children, How to Protect Your Child From Sexual Predators — A Police Investigator’s Perspective
EUREKA, Mont., Oct. 12, 2012 /Christian Newswire/ — Lighthouse Trails Publishing is pleased to announce the release of Seducers Among Our Children written by New York Retired Investigative Police Sergeant Patrick Crough
Countless numbers of children will be sexually abused by the time they reach their 18th birthday. Sadly, most parents won’t even see it coming. They don’t realize that sexual predators of children are often friendly, helpful, and attentive, drawing in a child, not by force but rather through enticing seduction.
Seducers Among Our Children is the personal perspective of an investigative police sergeant who knows first hand the inner workings and methods used by sexual predators. This book offers a practical, simple presentation of how child predators operate in today’s society. It will educate concerned parents and guardians about how to recognize when a child predator is in their midst, how to protect children from that predator, how to recognize if their child has already been offended by a predator, and what to do if their child discloses he or she has been offended by a predator. For the adult reader who was sexually molested as a child, this book may assist you in making some sense out of what happened and help you understand it wasn’t your fault.
From chapter 1: “On a warm spring night in May 1994, 5-year-old Kali begged her mom, Judy Gifford, to allow her to go outside to play on her Big Wheel tricycle. Judy was preparing magazines that she was to deliver that evening. The two would go together for the deliveries. The small amount of money that this single mother made from her second job was to pay for a family trip to Disney World the following summer. As Judy put the flyers together, Kali became more and more anxious to go outside. She was looking forward to going to McDonald’s after the deliveries were completed. Finally, Judy relented and told Kali to stay right near the front door. Five minutes later, she went to check on Kali, and she was gone. It was the last time she would ever see her daughter alive.”
- Sexual Predator and Online Predator Prevention Tips Released by iPredator Inc. (prweb.com)
- New tool to fight child sexual predators (newsnet5.com)
- Every Parent Should Read Gladwell’s Profile of Sandusky and Other Sexual Predators (themoderatevoice.com)
By. Rev. Robert A. Crutchfield
I was attending a men’s bible study class years ago when I said one of the most insightful things I have probably ever said. We were discussing parenthood when I remarked that parenthood was a big game of monkey see, monkey do. There erupted quite a conversation among the fathers in the group about how their grown children did things just as they did, even though they were not consciously taught to do them that way. They were able to quickly cite from their own experience specific incidents of what I had just said. Their kids, now grown learned from years of observing their example !
Example is critical part of any parent’s leadership. Let’s look at what the Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy about leading by example, “ …but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.” ( 1 Timothy 4:12) Our children spend a great deal of time with us over the years. The majority of our life, and who we really are is constantly on display to them. If we’re always reminding them to say their blessing at meal time, but our bible is getting dusty on the shelf what are we really saying ? The old saying that actions speak louder than words could never be truer than when it comes to parenting.
Of course we must bear in mind that nobody is perfect, so no parent is perfect. All of us, me included should constantly be working to become better husbands, wives, parents etc. The point is we owe it to our children ( and theirs) to be aware of what our actions are teaching our kids. People in a sense are like computers. There is an old saying in computers “garbage in, garbage out.” Parents provide the vast majority of the “input” children receive, especially during the formative years. Do you ever consider what kind of input your children are getting from you ?
Single parent families are increasingly common. What about single parents and leading by example.
Angela Redd a single mother writing for Focus On The Family-Canada has this to say, “ While I cannot be both mother and father I can teach my teen daughters about Jesus, and be the example of a godly woman. I’ll never be the perfect parent, but I can lead our family in becoming more Christ like.”
Nobody is expecting anybody to be perfect. However actions have consequences. As parents those consequences extend beyond us to our children in ways it will take years, perhaps an entire generation to uncover. Neither am I saying you won’t have weak moments, we all do. Why not use these to teach your kids how to overcome obstacles in a Christian way ? They will after all face challenges in their own adulthood, shouldn’t we prepare them for that ?
Example is a powerful teaching tool ! As parents we are always teaching through our example even when we don’t realize it. Are our actions matching our words ? Do we want our kids as adults to act and react as we do ? Or are we undermining our creditability as parents without meaning to ? Our children are watching !
- Dr. James Dobson Caps 50-Year Career, Expands Legendary Parenting Video Series (faithinspires.wordpress.com)
- Dr. James Dobson Wins Retailers Choice Award for NYT Bestseller, Bringing Up Girls (prweb.com)
- Dobson to Obama: I won’t bow to ‘wicked’ Obamacare (illinoisreview.typepad.com)
Christian Ministry Launching ‘Children’s Critical Life Skills Curriculum’ to Help Prevent CSM (Childhood Sexual Molestation)
GREENSBORO, N.C., June 25, 2012 /Christian Newswire/ — Elder Raymond S. King Jr., co-founder of Securing Hope Ministry, has created a very unique and much needed children’s curriculum, to help break the cycle of CSM (childhood sexual molestation). This curriculum is designed to empower parents, pastors, and ministry leaders to teach children between the ages of 4-9, how to 1) recognize, 2) avoid, and 3) report attempted and/or actual sexual molestation. Since most children between the ages of 4-9 don’t know what sexual molestation is, it’s imperative to end this generational ignorance to protect our children.
The epidemic of CSM is one of the most ignored yet devastating childhood traumas a child can experience. Since there are over 39 million survivors of CSM in America, and since 80% of the children who are sexually molested remain silent, with a very small percentage ever disclosing this devastating experience, most not until they are adults, it is imperative to begin to be proactive instead of being reactive to this dilemma.
With the recent public accounts of Bishop Eddie Long, ‘accused’, and coach Gerald Arthur “Jerry” Sandusky, ‘convicted’, of sexually abusing children, it’s evident that very prominent people of authority, ‘in and outside’ of the ‘Church’, are counted among those who have and are destroying the lives of the innocent. But these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. What has been discovered in these two cases is actually a repetitive generational evil that is happening all over the nation, every hour of everyday. This reality can no longer be ignored or dismissed, because many survivors of CSM themselves become molesters, as a matter of fact, up to 85% of those who molest children were themselves molested. In addition only 1 of 10 child molesters are registered and up to 90% of these molesters are people who the child knows and in most cases trust.
The ‘Bee Wise Critical Life Skills Curriculum’ is a powerful, biblically based tool for those who want to empower their child with the knowledge to recognize, avoid, and equally important, report attempted and/or actual molestation. Created for children starting at age 4, it is designed to be a proactive measure to help prevent children from becoming victims of the generational curse of CSM.
The curriculum will empower each child to: *develop “God centered” self-worth, *appreciate and understand their divine gender assignment, *start exercising proper character building habits, *know the difference between a “Good Touch” and a “Bad Touch”, *know the difference between “Public Body Parts” and “Private Body Parts”, and last but not least, *know what to do if an inappropriate touch is attempted or molestation is experienced
- Should Parents Be Allowed to Kill People Who Sexually Molest their Kids? (healthland.time.com)
- Jury: Sandusky Guilty Of Sexually Molesting Boys (wibw.com)
- Adopted son says Jerry Sandusky molested him – This Just In – CNN.com Blogs (news.blogs.cnn.com)